I got a call about 8 pm from my mom, very upset, saying Kristin had been in a bad car wreck. That is one my worst fears on earth, losing someone I love in a car wreck. Silly me, I immediately asked about the baby first, how is the baby, is the baby Ok? She didn't know. How is Kristin, is Kristin Ok. She didn't know that either. I can't tell you what happened to my heart in that instant. I can't tell you what my insides were doing. I know my hands were shaking as I was packing my stuff, throwing random things in a bag, kissing Billy good-bye, rubbing my 8 week pregnant belly, and getting in my car. Thoughts were running about 100 mph and I could not get to Warner Robins fast enough.
I rolled in about midnight, and met my other sister Manda in the parking lot of the ER. We went upstairs and were told we had to wait in the lobby, that Kristin was in with the doctor. Still no word on the baby. We did know that Kristin was fine ( basically), a few broken bones, but nothing life threatening, so that was a relief. Me and Manda waited out there for maybe 10 mins, and then were called into the room, along with our step-dad and Kristin's bf, Eliseo. Kristin and my mom were in the hospital room, along with the doctor, and both were crying and we were told that the baby had been killed. Our sweet Ava, our precious, perfect baby girl had been taken from us. I really cant' describe what I felt like at that point, but I would not wish it on anyone. I felt sick, sad, lost, dizzy. It was almost impossible to comprehend that a healthy moving baby girl had been inside of Kristin's tummy, and was just waiting a few more weeks to come out...and now, she wasn't there anymore. We watched as the doctor searched again for a hearbeat, anxiously looking for any sign of movement on the ultrasound...but there was none. Again, devastation.
The next few hours and days went by in a blur. She delivered the baby and named her Ava Michelle. Her and Eliseo got to hold Ava and spend time with her, say good bye. Her funeral was a few days later. I came back to Jax and then went back to WR the next day with Billy.
We buried her. In a small white casket. We said good-bye to our family's first daughter, grandchild and niece.
A year has passed. Me and Billy now have 2 healthy babies. Kristin and Eliseo are still together and are now engaged. Baby Ava has a headstone that I still haven't seen, since it took so long to get here. The girl that hit them is still awaiting her trial. Kristin still doens't have a new car, and the insurance "stuff" is still not complete.
I know all of this is about me. And how I felt and what this did to ME. And I think that is Ok, because it's my blog. I have no idea how Kristin feels or felt. I know what I felt and still feel and that is gut wrenching...seeing my baby niece in that hospital and wanting her to cry and coo and grunt. But no noise came out. She didn't move. And...words just can't describe. You don't expect little lives to be taken. Older lives are what we expect and plan for, but little lives, not so much.
The sad part is that she wasn't even allowed to be here at all. And I mean, maybe that's a good thing? We didnt' get to know her at all, before she was taken. You can look at it several different ways, and you can pull the "good" stuff out...but all in all, it sucks. It's sad. It's unfair. And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
So today, I just wanted to type about this, and remember Baby Ava and this terrible day. I know she is in Heaven, watching us and watching over her mom and dad...and I'd just like to tell her that I love her. And I'm thankful that my sister is still here with me. And one day we will get a chance to hold her and love her and play with her, the way we can't right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment